Can I get an 'Oy Vey'?!

As a traveler, no matter where you are or how much you love where you are, you are bound to go through the I HATE THIS PLACE phase. Whether that phase lasts an hour, a day, a week, a month, a few months depends on the person and the place. When I was in Cape Town, that phase lasted for about 5 minutes. I recently entered this phase in Korea and have been raging with full-throttle frustration since. I can't exactly say when it started, or whether or not there was an occurance that set it off, but I just know that I suddenly felt the little frustrating things about being a foreigner in Korea being not so little anymore. I started to become uncharactaristically cynical, judgemental and short-tempered. My co-workers, whom I typically enjoy spending time with, suddenly became objects of my mental judgements and annoyed reactions that I'd mutter under my breath. (One nice thing about living in Korea is that you can easily vocalize those little mean or rude things you are thinking because no one will understand you.) It took me a while to actually realize that I was in this phase, and unfortunately I still am. Don't worry, I'm OK. I'm lucky to have many, many friends here who know exactly what I'm going through and with whom I can rant and rave with complete confidence that they understand. For all of you out there who aren't waygookins (foreigners), allow me to explain why I often think (and sometimes say), "KOREA WHY ARE YOU SO ANNOYINGGGG?!?!?! *%$#* $#^% @!$# *%#@"

1) As a foreigner in Korea, it's safe to say that you are almost constantly on display. Living in one of the most homogenous countries in the world, Koreans are surprised and fascinated when they see foreigners-- especially people at the two extremes of the age spectrum. Children will often point at you and shout, "waygookin!", as if you were an animal at the zoo. Of course it's hard to get angry at children (especially since I'm convinced Korean kids have an extra 'cute' gene in them--they are SO ridiculously adorable). Adults, however, are not adorable. They have a similar habit as their children to make a point of noticing foreigners, but instead they "point" with their eyes. Their expressions often have a hint of accusation, as if to say, "what are you doing here? you don't belong here...this place is for Koreans." The worst is the older folks. I will say on their behalf, however, that the Korea they grew up in was virtually foreigner-less. Only in the past 3-5 years, the number of foreigners living in Korea has sky-rocketed. So, now in their old age, they sort of have a legit excuse to be a little surprised and curious. That being said, I wonder if back in those days they were taught manners. I'm tired of getting 'elevator eyes' (looking someone up and down, head-to-toe and up again) from, like, EVERY person who sees me. The vertical shifty eyes are quick, often not lingering, but they're there. (I mean, have you ever had someone look you up and down and NOT notice?) I can sense the process of thoughts in their heads: 'Huh? Oh! She's a foreigner. Wow, look at her. How interesting. Let me look at her outfit and make judgements about it. MY EYES!!! She's not wearing stockings under her knee-length skirt. Oh, and her neckline goes below her collarbone. SLUT. Oh, look at how she walks. She can walk pretty well for a foreigner. That's amazing.'

Ok ok, maybe I'm taking this a little too far. But with the level of utter dumbfoundedness (is that even a word? My web browser is telling me it's not, but I can't think of another word to use...) with which people look at me, I wouldn't be surprised if that's what they're thinking. I can feel their eyes every moment they're watching. People literally stop walking in order to watch me go by. Didn't they learn that it's rude to stare? I'm not a circus animal for them to gawk at. I'm a human being. Don't they understand that? I mean, I understand the curiosity, but it's one think to look, another to gawk. Now that its summertime, I have found some solace in my sunglasses. Without my eyes visible, I am often mistaken for a Korean at first since my dark hair and short height match most Korean women (though the size of my chest or backside do not). I notice when I'm riding my bike or walking down the street while wearing my sunglasses, I don't receive lingering stares. It's so very nice.

When Valery and I are together especially, we receive many stares. Hardcore stares. People will stare at us as we walk toward them. We glare right back at them to challenge them, telepathically saying "what are YOU looking at?!". Often times, staring as we walk by isn't enough. They will stop walking and turn around to continue watching us as we walk away. Ugh. Really?!

This is something you sort of get used to after a few months here, but it doesn't really make it any more bearable. Most of the time, you tolerate it. Sometimes, like now for me, it infuriates you. I try not to think about it. I often find myself now avoiding eye contact with people. Which is so not me. BUT, staying true to form, I look for the positives in a negative situation. I've always thought of myself to be a confident person, but the demeaning looks I receive have done some damage to that. After a while I deciding I wasn't going to let that ruin me. So, I have adapted a new mindset. The idea is, people are going to stare at me regardless- I might as well do what I want. So now, no more itchy stockings after work. More experiments with different clothing styles (hats, layering, funky patterns, etc). More jamming to my iPod on the subway and bus. More tight-fitting jeans that show off my curves. I have to say, It is pretty liberating, so I guess it's blessing in disguise.


2) Stripper heels. I'm not sure why this bothers me so much, but Korean women wear HUGE high heels. Not just when they're going out for an evening outing. All the time, everyone. I find myself staring in disbelief at these 5, maybe even 6" heels on women whose jobs involve standing. Hairdressers, store clerks, etc. How do their feet not killing after 5 minutes in those shoes? The reason I call them stripper heels is because at home, the only women who wear heels that high are strippers (or women who want the same kind of attention as strippers get). Plus, when matched with mini-skirts (as they so often are) and Korean womens' beautiful, long legs, Korean women dressed like that look to me indecent. The worst part is that 80% of the women in these heels can't even walk properly in them. This was a sight I saw often at home, especially at night out in da clubs: women just shuffling their way from here to there, taking tiny steps because they can't straighten their knees all the way because their heels are too high. It's pathetic. Here's a little tip for choosing shoes: if you can't walk in them, don't wear them. Duuurrrr! Just today, when walking to the park, we passed a girl who was walking very awkwardly; it looked like she may have been injured somehow or maybe even slightly handicapped. On her feet were 3-inch stiletto-style heels. I couldn't believe it.

Don't have much of a positive light to shine on this matter, except that it makes me feel better about myself when I'm comfortably walking around in my flats while the Koreans stumble along in their monster heels. Perhaps I'd feel differently if I was trying to catch the attention of a Korean male, but I'm not. So, that's that.

3) As much as I'd like to think of myself as wordly and adventurous, I really don't like most Korean food. The reason being, that the majority of Korean food is spicy or exotic (to me) seafood. Eel, octopus, and squid are ingredients in regular meals- even school lunches. Now, when I say spicy, I'm not talking about food with a little kick that puts the cherry on top of a delectable bite. No, I'm talking about EVERYTHING- vegetables, meat, fish, and soup, all absolutely drowning in chili pepper paste. You can't get away from it. Koreans really like to eat things that are "good for your health", which explains why they love the chili pepper. However, it is literally the only spice they use. Salty foods are "bad for your health", so at school lunch, there is rarely a salty item. My rule of thumb for any item I see on the menu is- if it's red, it's spicy. This means I am usually left to choking down the spicy food (as my nose starts running--and its rude to blow your nose at the table in Korea), or resorting to eating solely rice for my meal. This explains why I gained a good 5 pounds since I've been here-- I've just been eating a lot of white rice! Nowadays, my spicy tolerance has increased just a bit, so I can enjoy some of the spicy vegetables, especially if they are cold. A cold vegetable salad of cucumbers and scallions is my favorite. That, or very thinly sliced kimchi (so I can eat only a little at a time). Granted, I do have to accompany any bite of these with a heap of rice, but hey...at least I'm improving!

On that note, we move on to point # 3.5.) Korea is a culture of food. So, it goes without saying, that as someone who doesn't like a lot of Korean food, it can be pretty frustrating. In Korea, when someone offers you food, you eat it. Even if it's not specifically offered to you, you eat it. Basically, if there is food in the same vicinity as you, you are expected to eat it. I went along with this at the beginning as much as I could. Even now, when I return to the office after a class and there is a rice cake (NOT delicious) on the desk for me, I kindly thank whoever put it there and put it in my purse "for later". The minute I get home, I throw it away or offer it to a student I see on my way out of work. Or there is ginger juice (yes, that exists. And it tastes and looks like dirt) on my desk. I take a sip and when no one is looking, I dump the rest in the water fountain and throw it away as if I finished it. For the sake of my taste buds and sometimes my health, however, I am put in an awkward situation where it's either eat something you don't want or refuse (and subsequently be considered rude). Now that I've started a mini-diet to shed the little "rice baby" that has been growing in me, this has become a bit more of a problem.

Other teachers or parents will leave some food in the office for people to share. Often, it is something sweet and fatty like birthday cake, nasty and Korean like rice cakes, or even something I like to eat like kimbap or fruit. When the food arrives (or when someone notices it), they go and eat it. I sometimes choose not to eat it because, well, I don't feel like it. A normal sentiment in America, where people choosing not to eat something is a personal decision. But in Korea, OY! Exhibit A. When I arrived at school this morning, there were grapes in the office. I like grapes, in fact they are good for me while I diet, but I had just finished scarfing down my breakfast, so I didn't eat any. The following is NOT a dramatization.
Colleague 1, the minute I sit at my desk: "Melissa, are you busy?"
"No, not really."
"Have some grapes."
(in my head) THANK YOU I SEE THEM I'LL EAT THEM IF I WANT THEM.
"No, thanks."
"Why?"
"Um, well, I just had breakfast, so I don't feel like eating anything right now."
*Confused, a bit offended look on colleagues face.*


30 minutes later, colleague #2: "Melissa! Have some grapes!!!"
"No, thanks. I don't want any right now."
"Don't you like grapes?"
(in head) ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?
"I do, I'll just have some later."
*Same, confused, offended expression*

You might be thinking, 'Melissa, just eat the damn grapes.' But this is a mild example, because it's often something I just don't enjoy eating. This happens on a regular basis, especially at meals. Exhibit B: Lunchtime. I always put kimchi (or any other spicy item) on my tray because if I don't people notice and ask me why I didn't take any kimchi (or other spicy item). I usually eat a bite or two, just so I don't feel totally bad about wasting it, but the rest of it I usually throw away. (And the environmental enthusiast in me squirms.) However, if someone notices that I'm not eating my kimchi, or spicy fish, or octopus, etc, they say, "Melissa, why aren't you eating your [kimchi]? Oh, maybe its too spicy for you. Foreigners don't like spicy food." So, now I represent ALL foreigners? Everyone. Everywhere. Did they already forget that the previous native English teacher, who was originally from Mexico, loved spicy food?! or, "Melissa, you don't like those (whole) little fishes on a pile on your plate? They are so delicious! It's such a great feeling when their little eyes bore into your soul while you pinch them with your chosticks. Try!" OK FINE I'LL EAT THE KIMCHI!!!

OK, that may have been a dramatization.

4) Koreans are shallow. I've mentioned this in previous posts, but the truth of this statement has become clearer and clearer the longer I've been here. So much in this society is based on looks and money. Did you know that when you send a resume to a company, you must send along your picture as well? I had to do the same thing when I applied to this job. Koreans base their search for a life parter on money. I didn't think this concept was so pervasive until after a few conversations with my co-workers. Nam teacher, the youngest one and the one who I'm closest with, is 29 and still single. Her love life often becomes the topic of conversation when we are out. I (half-jokingly) mentioned that I knew a very tall, handsome, sexy Korean man who dances (really, really good) salsa where I take lessons. The minute they heard 'dancer', though, they immediately said "Nooooo, no artists. Korean mothers do not like that. Samsung man. Yes! Samsung man is better! Very rich. No artists, not rich." Now, I know this is not just a Korean concept. But I consider these women my friends, and sometimes I forgot that they are Korean. These sensible, smart, modern women actually think like that? It reminded me how this way of thinking really does permeate into most people's perspectives. This part of Korean culture doesn't influence me as much as the previous ones, but it definitely adds to my frustration.

I can understand and appreciate the social importance of the Korean identity, food, and good looks have in this country. However, it's totally differnt thing to be in it. This is a lesson I've learned while I've been here. As a passionate anthropology major, I always prided myself in being able to easily accept and understand other societies' paradigms. It never occured to me, though, how different it is to be in that society. From the outside, I understand a lot about why things are the way there are. Its just difficult to be part of it. It doesn't feel right. It pulls me away from my comfort zone, my beliefs, what makes me me. Does that make me stubborn, ignorant, unadaptable? Deep down, am I as unaccepting and close-minded as I believe many Americans to be? This is the intellectual and personal struggle I'm enduring at the moment. What does it mean to be an American, a person for that matter, living in another country? Is it really possible to stick to my beliefs all the while conforming with the ones around me in order to fit in and not offend people? Is my defiance against some Korean customs the action of a close-minded traveler or of a strong, individual?


I don't want this entire entry to be a downer or intellectual crunch time. So, here are some quick, interesting updates from my everyday life :)

Val spent the month of June in Cameroon (hey that rhymes!), visiting his family. It was really hard being far away from him again, but at least this time it was just a month. He arrives back in Korea on Wednesday (the 29). I can't wait for him to be back! His presence always helps to sooth my frustrations. When he's around, everything is OK. Things are going great with us.

Also, I booked my big vacation. Blythe, Michelle, and I are going to Malaysia and Thailand for 10 days in August. WOOOOO! We leave August 10th. We'll spend 2.5 days in Kuala Lampur (Malaysia), 3 days in Phuket (Thailand), and 5 days in Bangkok.


Many of you have been asking me about when I'm coming home, and/or if I'm staying another year here after my contract ends October 1st. This is a quite a difficult decision for me, seeing as life in Korea is clearly very frustrating at times, though my friends are awesome, and of course the love of my life is here and will be for another couple years. I will announce my decision as soon as I make it. If I do decide to renew my contract, I'll be in the states for the entire month of October, and then will return to Korea to start work again in November. If I don't renew, I'll definitely be stateside for some time. What comes next is still in the works--I've got some (exciting) ideas floating around in my head, but aren't really ready to share them yet. Again, as soon as I I know, you'll know!

Thanks for reading, folks.

Bisous,
Mel